


Lacrymosa

by codependentsoulmates



Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/M, M/M, POV Sam Winchester, POV Second Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-02
Updated: 2014-03-02
Packaged: 2018-01-14 06:28:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1256233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/codependentsoulmates/pseuds/codependentsoulmates
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A look into Sam's thoughts from before season 1 to the ending of season 8. Therein lies wincest.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lacrymosa

**Author's Note:**

> Took some artistic liberties with Sam's ages in this one. This is what happens when you try to write a Sam centric second person piece while channeling Richard Siken. The imagery used is different to say the least, and very graphic and violent. So proceed with caution. Also heed the warnings for gratuitous use of run-on sentences.

You’re twelve years old when you feel it. It crawls just under and above your skin; a thin, invisible layer of grime that sits just out of reach from your nails and burns like hellfire when you see your brother covered in another thing’s blood. There’s a darkness in him you see every time he makes a kill and it calls to you but you’re not sure it if it’s real of a hallucination because it’s only there for a split second then it’s replaced by grim and righteous thrill.

You spend forever in the shower, Dean and your dad think that you’re doing _things_ in there, but really you’re just scrubbing your skin raw trying to get rid of it, whatever it is. It never works. You scrub your skin bloody with the coarse material of your washcloth but all you achieve is stinging scrapes and welts. It never feels better just worse.

The only time it feels better is when Dean touches you. Every second without some part of his body on yours feels like agony.  The darkness on you and just beneath the surface calls to you and its voice is sticky sweet and sounds like a home you never knew you longed for. But then Dean touches you and says “Time to train, Sammy” and the darkness slinks away like a reprimanded dog and removes its tendrils from where they were hooked onto your mind.

**

You’re sixteen years old when you realize that casual touches and glancing looks aren’t cutting it anymore. The filth and grime is no longer on your skin, it’s embedded itself deep into the cells, into your pores. It’s inside you, dirtying you from the inside out. Dean’s touch does nothing anymore, in fact it makes you feel worse. This  _thing_ inside you wants you to  _take take take_ but you can’t take what you need from your brother.

And you need Dean  _inside you._  You need to swallow Dean whole and burrow your way deep into Dean’s flesh and never be separated again. You need… you need…  you need  to feel Dean’s light and glory shine through you, eradicating the thick darkness that threatens to pull you under and suffocate you. You need to inhale Dean and exhale the filth, you need to… you need… you need  _Dean._

But you can’t have Dean like that. You’re  _brothers_ and you’re filthy and disgusting and it feels like Satan is riding on your right shoulder and the little angel that used to be there has fled. You’re filthy and disgusting and humanity sickens you because they’re the equivalent of cockroaches and deserved to be squashed and killed and tortured and Dean is  _so beautiful Lucifer can’t stand it and he tries to get you to look away but you can’t because Dean is the one good thing about you and you can’t let that go. You can’t._

**

You get accepted to Stanford when you’re eighteen years old. You don’t want to go because what will you do without Dean? But John finds out and he yells at you and  _you hate him you despise him if  he wants you to leave so bad you’ll go and you’ll never come back you should snap his neck right now_ but he’s your dad and this is your  _family_ and  _Dean will never forgive you if you hurt John_. You’re crying when your dad tells you to get gone and stay gone. You want Dean to beg for you, you were never planning to go anyway and you were going to tell him, really you were! But Dean can barely look at you right now and there’s a darkness in him that calls out to your darkness but it’s lighter and brighter and tastes like glory but when he finally meets your gaze it looks like hurt.

He takes you to the bus station and his hands shake as he drives and he’s not singing along to the Black Sabbath he’s blasting.  And you’re so sorry, you’re so so sorry, but you want things you can’t have even if they’ll make you whole again so maybe this is a good thing.

That idea goes right down to hell when Dean pulls you in and kisses you like he’s starving for it. He devours you and your darkness and keeps it inside him and you become each other and you feel like you’re finally swallowing him whole like you wanted to do two years ago. You’re fierce and ferocious and it feels more like fighting than kissing but Satan inside you screams and tells you to let him go you don’t need him but  _you do you really fucking do._ But Dean pulls away way too soon and gets in the car and drives off without a backward glance.

**

You’re twenty years old when you meet her. Jessica. And  _god she’s just like Dean, she’s like Dean reincarnated into a girl’s body, her birthday is the same as his_ but she’s nothing like your brother. She smells like flowers and smiles frequently, not just at you. She doesn’t hook up with random guys in random places and she’s soft and fragile and makes you feel like a giant. But she’s everything like your brother. She’s strong willed and outspoken. She makes you strive to be your best in everything you can possibly do. You wouldn’t be able to live without her.

You make love to her a few months after you meet, you’re together now and she’s not your first but she’s the first that matters. She’s soft and hot and slick and tight and feels like heaven  _but being with her makes the hellfire in your veins burn even more sometimes you think you’re going to burst into flames and burn away to reveal the filth that you’ve been hiding for years_. But that never happens so you think you’re safe.

You start having visions about her dying about a year into your relationship. You wake up in cold sweats every night but the moisture is soothing against your overheated body so you find yourself accepting it.

**

You’re twenty two years old when you see him again. He’s smiling like a shark on top of you and the whites of his teeth sing to the black char in your blood and you want him to rip your arteries out and consume them. You gasp his name out on a marginally choked breath because he’s still beautiful after all this time. Your memory actually didn’t do him justice. But he says you’re out of practice and you can’t have that, not one bit. You flip him over easily, getting the upper hand and his pulse is racing beneath yours and if you’re not careful you’re going to rip him apart just so he can put you back together all over the floor.

He tells you dad is missing and you could really care less  _because you’re done with hunting all you want is Dean._ You know Dean showed up two years prior and just stared at you through your window and you stared back and you wanted to go outside and murder him so he could bring you back to life but Jess curled into your side and the darkness curled into her and kept you rooted there.

After it’s all said and done you can’t stay with Dean. You have an interview on Monday and it’s normal and normal is good and it’s tedious and tedious means you don’t have to think about what going on inside of you. Besides, Satan’s getting stronger and the need to ruin Dean is getting stronger and you can’t do that to him even though it will rebuild you. But when you get back to your apartment and Jess bursts into flames anyway you start to think that maybe you don’t need to be the one on fire to reveal how unclean you are.

**

You’re twenty four when you die. It’s a hot shooting pain in your back that travels its way up your spine and into your head and takes root there and laughs at you and mocks you because  _you’re bred for King Lucifer’s army and you’re taken down by a little knife to the back._ But Dean’s there and he smells like  _Dean_ and he holds you as you go and maybe this is it? Maybe this is a good thing? But you can hear Dean calling for you and he sounds like he’s in such pain and denial and you want to tell him everything’s going to  be okay but you can’t because  _you’re dying and it’s not even because of the darkness in you it’s because  of some fucking army brat asshole_.

And when you die you go to hell. And Satan’s there with his sickly sweet voice that tastes like a twisted version of home but you can’t see him, you can’t even really hear him. It resonates within you and he keeps telling you that it’s okay you’re going to have a second chance.

You get your revenge on Jake and  _fuck_ it feels good. It makes the darkness perform an aria that sounds and smells blessed. But how are you back? You were dead, you know you were dead.  _What did Dean do?_ He sold his soul just like Dad did for him and you were so worried back then that you were going to lose him and the doctors were stupid and everything was stupid and  _Dad sold his soul and he’s dead and he was a bastard but he was your **dad** and now he’s gone but Dean’s here that should be enough right? _And you’re angry, you’re livid, you want to throttle Dean then you want to  _eat him alive to drink him in just so he stays inside you and never has to die._ But you can’t so you just have to save him.

**

You’re twenty five when Dean dies.

You feel like you’ve died along with him.

There’s not much else to say, it feels like you’ve shut down.

But then he’s  _back_ and  _goddammit Bobby can’t play with a guy’s heart like that_ but it’s really Dean! It’s him, it’s him, and everything is bright and light and glorious again and he hugs you and you want to kiss him like you kissed at the bus station but Bobby’s there and this skank’s also there and they don’t get to witness that.

And she asks you if you’re  _together together_ and yeah maybe you are you don’t know yet you’re not too sure what  _together together_ means because he’s your Brother and when you say the word you say it like it’s capitalized and it tastes just right you could say it for the rest of your life and never crave another word.

**

You’re twenty six when Lucifer is let out of the cage. You were duped and manipulated and Dean thinks it’s all your fault. He thinks you’re a bloodsucker and a freak  _a vampire_ but it’s because of the darkness! It consumed you while he was gone and you were too far gone to bring yourself back. You needed revenge and Ruby helped with that! They lied to you! The angels, Ruby, they lied to you! You wanted to get revenge for your Brother’s life and  _they used you and manipulated you and oh god Ruby  never wanted to help you and Lucifer’s coming he’s coming and your blood wants it so bad_ but there’s Dean and he’s  _so beautiful_ and you slay the lying bitch together but it’s too late.

The cage is opening and the light is so bright but Dean’s light and his glory are even brighter and you say his name because other than Brother, Dean’s name is the most perfect words your lips ever formed. It brings comfort and peace and you grab onto his jacket and you’re frozen there but  you’re with  your Brother and his glorious brilliance pierces through the darkness that Lucifer invokes within you and you’re going to be okay.

You’re going to be okay. You’ve got Dean.

**

You’re twenty seven when you let Lucifer in and go to hell. You accept him in and your heart wants to reject him but your mind treats him like a perfect lung and your body accepts him eagerly. You don’t want this but you have to do  this. The more people you save the cleaner you are and this ultimate sacrifice is going to purify you completely, this sacrifice will cleanse you. You’re careful to not let Lucifer get inside your special Dean memory file. It’s hard work but you manage and you keep it near and dear to you because you’re not letting him take Dean away, you’re not.  You’re not letting him erase every touch, every look, every time Dean let you bury yourself in the depths of him and forge a home out of his blood, flesh and bone, every time Dean consumed you from the inside out and ripped you apart and stitched you back together and bled your darkness out through your pores. Lucifer doesn’t get to touch that.

But he’s stronger than you expected and this plan isn’t going as you expected and you’re not regaining control and you killed Cas! You killed the person that brought you your Brother back! And  _Bobby you’ve killed Bobby and what have you done oh god no he’s going to make you kill Dean you have to fight back but you can’t! He’s too strong and he’s one with the darkness and it’s overpowering and it’s stifling and you can’t breathe, you can’t breathe…_

“I’m here Sammy, I’m not going to leave you.” And his voice is so strong, so loving it hurts and you catch a glimpse of an army figurine you shoved into the door’s ashtray with Dean one day and there it is. This is Dean,  _Dean,_ the reason you  _try and you fight and you persevere and you live for his touches his looks and you love him you love him so much you want to explode with it._ “It’s okay, Dean. I’ve got him.” And you do, the love you have for Dean is stronger than any amount of grime that lies underneath your skin. You want to kiss him, but you’re afraid you’ll infect him somehow, so you toss the rings and say the incantation and Michael tries to grab you before you fall but you bring him down with you and  _you’ve saved the world_.

But more importantly, you saved Dean.

**

You’re twenty eight years old when you’re back. But it doesn’t feel like you at all. You feel out of place and apathetic, and you don’t really care about seeing Dean again and you don’t know  _why_. But when you hug him it feels like it should feel right and the fact that he thinks he has to be dead in order to see you again should break your heart but it feels like a phantom pain that you easily brush away because you  _just don’t care_.

And it’s because you lost your soul and you still don’t care. But Dean keeps talking about getting your soul back and Cas keeps saying it could potentially  _kill_ you but Dean won’t listen. Now you’re starting to care. Why aren’t you good enough? You’re here aren’t you? You’re flesh and blood and yeah you’re not perfect but why the fuck should Dean risk killing you just to get his precious baby brother back? You’re still  _Sam you should be good enough why the fuck aren’t you good enough? You’re trying your best it’s not your fault!_ You like yourself this way, the darkness in you is completely gone, or maybe you just don’t care. But either way you’re amazing, you’re a  better hunter, you’re just fantastic and Dean wants to _destroy you and put  you back together  but you could fucking care less._

But Dean does it anyway and Death sticks your soul back in behind a wall but walls aren’t built to last forever and you can feel it cracking slowly but surely and letting tendrils of hellfire lick over your cranium and burn your skull but sometimes Dean smiles at you and it feels good to want that smile again and sometimes you kiss the smile away and replace  it with growls and moans and you feel like cutting  off his air supply so all he can breathe is you but Cas fucks it up and nearly kills you.

Power hungry with good intentions yet he nearly kills you after all his warnings and everything’s pouring through and it would be easier just to stay here and let it consume  you because you’re tired you’re so tired but no you’re not leaving Dean alone out there so you  fight and you emerge victorious. But Cas has gone off the fucking deep end and you try to kill him, to save the world from this nightmare but he’s  _god now and that doesn’t settle well with the liquid Lucifer that lies at the pit of your stomach._

**

You’re twenty nine years old and you’re exhausted. Lucifer lurks for you everywhere, calling out to the darkness in a sing song voice and you try your hardest to ignore him but you know sooner or later you’ll give in because you’re just  _so tired._ And now the leviathans are loose and wreaking havoc on your life and the only enjoyment you derive from this is the fact that you can finally get Dean back for all those gay jokes. 

But then Dick kills Bobby and you’re  _so fucking tired of it all and you let Lucifer in because he implied that Dean could be dead and no one does that. No one ever does that because you’ve seen him die more than enough times. He’s never dying again._ And now Bobby’s a ghost and you don’t know what to do because Dean isn’t going to give him up easily but you’re afraid of what could happen.

And somewhere along the way you’re admitted to a mental hospital and Lucifer’s tormenting you and you’re so goddamned tired but there’s a girl there who needs your help. So you help her.  But Lucifer’s still there and he  _won’t fucking shut up and he’s freaking you out and you’re angry and the darkness in you responds even though you’re tired and you really wouldn’t mind dying._ But Cas heals you and takes on his brother in an attempt to save your life and you’re thankful, you really are.

You and Dean soldier on and every night when you can you lose yourself in Dean’s body and you swap out DNAs and rip his heart out with your teeth and stitch him back up and beg him to do the same to you because the darkness is still there under your skin and you make Dean skin you alive and lick new skin onto the burning flesh because  _you need it._ Then Dean kills Dick and finally you’ve gotten revenge and this whole nightmare is over.  Cas is back, Dick is dead and everything is okay. But everything is not okay because the leviathan’s exploding and suddenly Cas is gone,  _Dean is gone. You’re all alone and Dean is gone you don’t even know where he is._ You feel like screaming, you feel like ripping your lungs out. But instead you just drive until you hit a dog.

**

You’re thirty when you get Dean back. And he’s gorgeous and rugged and fucking _sexy_ and you wouldn’t mind having him slam into you and remind you what it’s like to  _feel_  anything other than intense agony but you don’t ask. You didn’t look for him because you didn’t know where to start! Bobby’s dead, he was dead, Cas was dead. You couldn’t deal with it anymore. You had a feeling that Kevin would be calling you but you couldn’t, you just couldn’t. Dean’s angry but he doesn’t understand. He won’t understand.

You find out Dean’s friends with a vampire named Benny and you’re upset and angry and confused. How could Dean befriend a monster? Especially after what he called you in the voice mail? And he says that Benny is a better brother? Your heart feels like it’s shattering, you try  _so hard so fucking hard but you never get it right ever._

You secretly thank God for these trials because they’re helping to purify you of the darkness you developed years ago. You tell Dean that you never felt clean but you never tell him that every time you were together you wanted to soak in his essence until your DNA twisted into his. You’re so close. So close to redemption to forgiveness.

You’re so fucking close and then Dean  _stops you and tells you that you’re going to die and you don’t care because what good is being alive if all you do is disappoint Dean?_ The one person you love more than your own body is constantly disappointed by you and trusts everyone over you when all you do is trust him and it hurts! And this way you can finally make Dean proud! But he stops you and he says you’re the most important person in his life and all the fight goes out of you and you just want it to stop, you want it all to stop. You fall into him like a dying man and silently beg for his help, you cling to him trying to melt into him and stay there where it’s safe and warm. But you’re still hurting and that trial has still taken its toll and he carries you outside  _just like he promised_ and the angels are falling and where’s Cas? Fuck what did Metraton do? But you can’t find it in you to really care because the darkness is coming back full force and it’s not pleased with what you tried to do.

You’re thirty years old and you feel the filth and grime settling beneath your skin but Dean’s there, and he’s big and brave and beautiful and even while the angels are falling he turns to you and kisses you like he kissed you at the bus station. He kisses you like he’s starving for it and somehow you find the strength to swallow him and kiss him with a feral edge and it’s like you’re both trying to consume each other and it’s dangerous you’re both so toxic.

But it tapers off and it’s suddenly sweet and caring and desperate and you cling to Dean because… because  _Dean._ And somehow you know everything’s going to be okay because Dean’s here he’s always here, he’s here and he’s brilliant and glorious and flawless in his imperfections and he’s  _yours and the darkness doesn’t stand a chance._

 


End file.
